My favorite one ended up being Manhola Dargis in the New York Times. I read every review of Splice that has ever been written. “Lying here terrified that if I turn off the lights I will be killed/groped by an errant tailsticle,” I tweeted that night, after an emergency IMDb session revealed that the innocence-shattering movie I had just witnessed was called “Splice.” A few hours later, upon waking, I reported: “Had a series of vivid nightmares last night woke up twice in a full sweat. Until it got to the end, in which, (um, spoiler alert?) “DREN” HAS HORRIFYING AND WING-SPREADING MUTANT-ON-TOP SEX WITH ADRIEN BRODY, WHO ALL ALONG HAS BASICALLY BEEN HER DAD!!!!!!!! AND THEN MORPHS INTO A MALE MUTANT AND RAPES THE SCIENTIST LADY IN THE WOODS!!!!!!!! AND BOTH SCENES LAST FOREVER AND IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THE SEX SCENE IN WATCHMEN WAS KIND OF DRAWN OUT AND UNCOMFORTABLE THIS IS LIKE THAT TIMES FIFTEEN MILLION (although, to be fair, without the cloying use of “Hallelujah,” which I appreciate) BUT STILL!!!! WTF, MOVIE? WTF? Just your typical “I’ve created a monster!” fare, no big deal, nothing I couldn’t handle, and the movie was … kind of good? Anyway, one of the characteristics of the mutant being was how rapidly she/it aged, and you could tell that this was going to present some problems down the road for the scientists as the being got bigger and more aggressive and stronger-willed and all that. I had missed the beginning, but basically it seemed like Adrien Brody and another lady scientist had created some sort of mutant life form in their lab that was part human but also part other things (for example, the life form, named “Dren”, had really wide-set eyes and a long rat-like tail and rabbit-type legs and spoke only in dolphin-like clicking noises) and were now secretly really attached to it, putting it in a dress and treating it like their child. The unrecognizable movie was kind of weird, but compelling/confusing enough that I never felt like changing the channel. There was NOTHING on, so when one channel flashed Adrien Brody’s face I stopped there, trusting that anything with him had a potentially good chance of not being that bad. Splice (Katie Baker): A few months ago I was spending a kickin’ Friday night all alone in a hotel room, idly flipping channels on one of those hotel TVs that has no “guide” and no HD. Inspired by the recent lawsuit against the makers of Drive - filed by a woman, who, not unreasonably expected the movie to feature more driving and fewer exploding heads - this week’s installment of YouTube Hall of Fame collects the movie scenes that were so bad we’d like to take someone to court.
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